im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
