I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
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i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
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I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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