he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Randomize
