sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
