Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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