If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
