He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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