You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
