Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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