I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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