I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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