There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
