my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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