yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
