well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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