This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
