i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
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I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize