The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i came on her dog
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
