I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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