Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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