I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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