When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I checked into jail on foursquare
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
