You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just high enough for therapy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I want to fling myself into the sun
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
