WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
