Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
