A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
