A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is this like a preordered booty call?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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