I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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