You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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