I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
