Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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