she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
