So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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