textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
