Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
