dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
