the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
