She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
