he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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