I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
