I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.