We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
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That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
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you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect