we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
