i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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