it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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