I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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