having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize