This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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