Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
