I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
