I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
