Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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