Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
