checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
