This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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