i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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