Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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