I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I supernannyed him into submission
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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